(Colombian) Kids Say the Darndest Things, Part 4

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Before you read this, check out (Colombian) Kids Say the Darndest Things Parts 1, 2 and 3!

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One day, my class entered while I was listening to music. Specifically, I was listening to Stevie Wonder, so, predictably, the grade 7 boys told me that "this music sucks mister, you should listen to Guns n Roses and ACDC and Green Day and" etc. I told them that I do, in fact, have some Green Day on my computer, to which one of them began to guess which songs I have. "Do you have American Idiot?" "No." "Do you have Holiday?" "No."

And then came this gem:

"Do you have Basketball Case?"

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There's a school science fair coming up, and one day as I was wandering through the hall I encountered 2 of my grade 8's surrounded by a stack of papers, furiously working away on laptops. Wondering what they were doing in the hall during class, I approached and asked what was up. They told me they were working on their science fair project, which was studying the effect of listening to music on concentration. This involved having other students do short math tests while listening to different types of music. Straightforward enough.

Except that one of the types of music they mentioned was death metal, and the student who was finishing up as I approached was a cute little grade 4 girl. I found this hilarious.

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I need to tell you about S. He's a student in grade 8, and I think the best way to describe him is that he seems like he's high all the time, in a dazed, forgetful sort of way. It's not that he seems dumb - and he's not - he just seems like he's having one of those days. All the time. I'm not exaggerating when I say that he forgets his glasses at LEAST 50% of the time, and when this happens, he moves his desk to be about 3 feet in front of the board, so that I'm basically running into him when I try to teach. His notebook is incredibly disorganized, he's always finding stuff he thought he had lost 2 months ago, etc. etc. But somehow his disorganization isn't frustrating, just kind of hilarious.

Anyway, suffice it to say he's one of my more entertaining students. Never was this more evident than during our most recent test, when he inexplicably started dancing in his seat about 5 minutes into the test, and basically didn't stop for the whole hour and a half (sometimes out of his seat too). He kept raising his hand as if he had a test question, and then asked me if I liked his dancing. And then when he really did have a question, he sang it, and I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.

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I've started to really enjoy tests in this particular class. Not because I don't have to expend all kinds of energy explaining stuff and keeping the class focused (though I like that part too), but because both times we've had a test, I dunno, I just feel like we've really come together as a family! For example: during the first test, this annoying bird kept buhkawing or whatever sound it made, and we couldn't close the window because that was one of the days the school lost power. So I went over to the window and gave a curt "ssh!", which apparently worked. The class uniformly thought this was the funniest thing in the world, and was a welcome break in the 90 minute long test (that's a friggin' long test for grade 8s).

A similar thing happened during our recent test. I guess there's a virus going around, because a lot of people were sniffling, and about halfway through the test, the collective sniffling got so frequent that it prompted one non-sniffler to address the class out loud, begging with everyone else to shut up. Of course, this only made things worse, as a number of non-snifflers decided to join in to make it more of a thing. A low murmur began to permeate the room as the chorus of snifflers grew ever louder and sillier. Finally, the dam burst with its logical conclusion - a full-on sneeze, precisely timed to cause the class to erupt in raucous laughter the likes of which hadn't been heard since the bird incident.

It was bound to happen - it had to happen. The sneeze was the only way it could have gone. I had even considered throwing a sneeze out there myself. But it became obvious soon after, when the sneezer followed up with 2 or 3 more, that these were real sneezes. Maybe it was just a coincidence, or maybe the escalating Sounds of Sickness had triggered something. Whatever the cause, it was perfect. And hilarious.

And the sneezer? S, of course.

An Unexpected Consequence of Moving to Colombia

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Before, I tell you, got any guesses? Could it be that I can no longer say the word "bucket" without winking with my left eye? Or that I forgot how to use shampoo? Or maybe, I've suddenly gained the capability to naturally excrete pure iron?

No, none of those is the correct answer, though if it was the 3rd thing you can bet I'd be getting in touch with Canadian engineering schools. Actually, the unexpected consequence I wish to tell you about today is that I've become substantially clumsier.

At first I thought it was just a coincidence, but after 2 months of data, the sample size is becoming undeniably meaningful. I broke another glass last night, which brings me up to approximately 5 dishes on the year. I can specifically remember a mug, a pot and last night's glass, but I know there have been a couple others.

And I'm just spilling stuff all over the place. You should see my kitchen floor! Actually, it's pretty clean, but only because I mop it out of necessity basically every day. It's not just food, either - 2 days ago I knocked an entire frying pan, complete with frying sausage, onto the floor, where it landed perfectly upside down, covering the sausage.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've put my hand on something hot, or forgotten that a pot of water had just been boiling, or gotten off a moto-taxi and badly burned my leg on the exhaust pipe. Okay, that last one only happened once, but it definitely scabbed up and I still have a mark a week and a half later.

I've even near-electrocuted myself a couple times. Most recently, I had a huge stack of dishes in the sink, waiting to be cleaned. Because of this mess, water wasn't getting through to the drain, so as I was cleaning, the sink began to fill with water. Suddenly, I got a shock and instinctively jerked my hand out of the water. Confused, I examined the scene and discovered that my new electric orange juicer was one of the dishes in the sink, and was not only still plugged in, but had somehow turned itself on. Smooth, Dave. (it happened another time with my razor)

And of course, there's the physical trauma. I've probably walked into walls, or quickly gotten up in a low ceiling areas, and even managed to get kicked in the nuts harder than I ever have been before, but the most infamous (if you're a regular reader, anyway) incident was when I stubbed my toe. Oh, and I haven't blogged about this since immediately after it happened, but I think there's a pretty good chance I broke it. It hurt for a solid 3 weeks, but I never got it checked out, partially because I'm lazy, and partially because a friend told me there's almost nothing you can do about broken toes.

The question is: what's the reason for this sudden increase in clumsiness? Is it the heat? Maybe it's the language barrier? Like, I haven't learned how to cook in Spanish yet? Or something?

I dunno man, it's pretty weird. I do have one plausible theory, though. Here in Barranquilla, almost everyone has a maid, and it has been recommended to me multiple times. Most of the instances in which I've engaged in clumsiness were during menial tasks that a maid would likely be doing. I guess the universe is trying to tell me something.

Antenna Yoga

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You know when people go to such extremes to get a good TV signal (with an antenna, you know those things from the not future?) that they're standing there balancing on one foot while tangled up in the curtains and holding the antenna in precisely the manner that gives a clear picture? I've got that going on right now.

Allow me to elaborate. I'm trying to watch playoff baseball, which I apparently get on one of the 3 channels that is at all watchable on my TV. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely happy about this, even if it is in Spanish, despite the reception horror story that follows.

Anyway, first I moved over to the lounge area of my living room, taking my computer with me so I could look up Spanish baseball terms. This caused the reception to go all staticy. I eventually discovered that if I held my wireless USB internet device in a precise spot it would work, but unfortunately that spot was about a a meter and a half off the ground. I would have to, I dunno, suspend it from the ceiling or something.

Okay, can we talk about this for a second? Really, TV? Holding a small USB wireless internet receiver in one particular cubic decimeter of air improves the TV signal that by that much? I always thought those one leg standers were fooling themselves. Apparently not.

It gets more ridiculous, though.

Since I couldn't figure out a way to sit on the comfy loungy chair and have my computer at the same time (you can't sit on your comfortable loungy chair and eat your computer too!) I moved back to the deskal area, turning the TV to face said area. I plugged the computer power cord back in, and.... yep. There goes the static.

Okay, so the TV is 8 feet away from me and plugging in a little power cord to my laptop makes it freak out. They are coming from the same power bar, though, maybe this one makes a little sense.

So I left the power cord out, planning on plugging it in between innings to keep the computer juiced (not unlike A-Rod... zing!), and went back to my business of whatever I was doing. Whatever it was, it involved scrolling up and down. So I formed my right middle and ring finger into the shape necessary to engage in Apple™ 2-Finger-Trackpad-Scrolling or whatever it's called. Following this, I picked up the aforementioned fingers (with what? Usually the fingers are the ones doing the picking up) Right, um, the fingers picked themselves up from their positions hovering over (I'm guessing, it's not like I recorded this moment) the J and K keys, sauntered over to the trackpad, and commenced the familiar motion.

You may be wondering why I'm describing the tediously inconsequential physiological processes of my computer habits in such excruciating detail. You're probably not, though, because you're probably completely uninterested, and failing that, you probably already know what's coming: the 2 finger swipe caused the TV to static it up once again. Not a 1 finger swipe. Not a click. Not typing. The 2 finger swipe.

Don't believe me? Here, I'll film it to prove it. Oh wait, now it's not doing it, of course.

I swear, it was doing it before!

Minka: The Preview

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If this seems oddly familiar, it's because several weeks ago I embarked on a weekend trip to a nearby town called Taganga and spent an entire week blogging about it, starting with a post called Taganga: The Trailer. I just had a 4-day weekend, surprisingly unrelated to Canadian Thanksgiving, and took a trip to another nearby town, this one a mountain village in the Sierra Nevada de Santa Marta. I don't think I have a week of blog entries in me this time, but at least a couple of days.

Anyway, one of the first things that happened on the trip was mosquitoes. Tonight, I decided to count all the bites I was left with. Below is photo documentation of my methodology.

I counted 147.

Octobarch Break D. Day and Other Notes From Nowhere

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I lied, they're notes from Barranquilla, Colombia.

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I don't think I've mentioned this yet - currently, my school is on a week-long break. The students, anyway. The teachers have professional development all week, except Friday, which we're getting off in addition to Monday's holiday. Given the similarity of this week to Canada's March Break and also P.D. Days, I've termed the week "Octobarch Break D. Day". Hopefully it plays out more like your typical Octobarch Break than your typical D. Day.

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Since we have a 4-day weekend coming up, I'm probably gonna take off somewhere. Originally, K and E and I had planned to go to La Guajira, a coastal desert (oxymoron?) region not too far from here. However, one of the main draws of La Guajira at this time of year - flocks of thousands of pink flamingos - is being decimated by an unexpected shark attack. The regions where the flamingos can typically be viewed are shut down, and this really is an unexpected attack - apparently it's never happened before, or at least not on this scale. It's definitely disappointing, but also kind of hilarious, and ironically not the first time this blog has featured animals unexpectedly eating other animals.

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Today, for the first time, my iPod application that's just a pure white screen (i.e. a flashlight) came in handy when the power went out around 10PM. Stupidly, the first thing I did was use it to find my one candle before realizing that lighting said candle had become superfluous with the re-discovery of the App.

Also: this power outage illustrates another reason the wireless USB internet device I get my internet from is useful. I can't turn on a light, listen to the radio, or watch TV, but I can be on the internet. For about 10 minutes, anyway. My battery sucks so much. Sorry if this entry seems hastily thrown together, my impetus for writing it was the aforementioned lack of power, preventing me from doing what I was doing before (marking), and I'm trying to squeeze this in before my computer randomly shuts down at 56% battery, which actually only takes about 13 minutes to get to (I just calculated based on what's left).

The Colombian Frat Party

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Last night, I went to a party. When I walked in, it immediately struck me as similar to the North American frat party, so one of the things I spent my evening doing was analyzing the similarities and differences.

(Another thing I spent my evening doing was inventing a new dance, called the beer dance. This is used when you're dancing and you want to take a sip of beer - you don't want to keep dancing normally, because it looks stupid, so you have to invent a special dance that you only use when taking said sip. There isn't one universal beer dance, so feel free to invent your own - it's just important that it's distinct from your regular dancing.)

Anyway, frat party comparison chart:

Similarities

• it was in a huge house. well, actually in the huge backyard of the huge house
• there was constant loud music played by a live DJ and, eventually, a live band
• girls got in free, guys did not
• upon entering, I got one of those annoying paper wristbands that always gets stuck to my arm hair
• there was an ever-present cloud hovering over the party area. though i've listed this as a similarity, the smell was stronger than any i've ever encountered before, and was remarkably constant throughout the whole party, which is especially impressive considering it was an outdoor area
• there was a distinct lack of shirts
• there was a pool outside, but it was empty, so it became an empty beer bottle receptacle

Differences

• there were no kegs
• (related to the previous) there were no keg stands
• the host of the party was the family who lived in the house, not a frat. (i'm not even sure if the concept of frats exists here, i don't think universities have on-campus housing - almost everybody lives with their parents through and well past university age) also, the mom, who coincidentally works at my school (this really is a coincidence, i found out about the party from someone else), was taking tickets at the door rather than being out of town and having no idea about the existence of the party
• there weren't any douchebags (then again, I haven't encountered any in 2 months of being here, so maybe I just don't know what to look for yet)
• (related to the previous) there weren't any fights and/or ridiculous pranks

(Colombian) Kids Say the Darndest Things, Part 3

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Check out (Colombian) Kids Say the Darndest Things Part 1 and 2!

In my grade 8s' first test of the year, I asked the question: "Think of two real life situations when the Pythagorean Theorem might be useful. Explain why it would be useful, and how you would use it." The question was generally very poorly done; even the best answers were things like "if i want to find the shortest route from my house to the mall", which is full of holes: am I to assume you know the lengths of the perpendicular sides of such a triangle? How did you measure them? Won't finding the shortest path involve physically walking through buildings?

Also, most of the answers were boring, like the one described above.

One student, however, gave me not one but two answers that were both well thought out and creative. I should mention that, before this, this student had not stood out at all; I thought she was fairly average. Well, she was the only student in 2 classes to ace the test. Anyway, here are her 2 responses:

• "Let's say you work back stage in a theator. in actor has to roll under a later leaning twords a prop the actor is 1 meter long (ha ha) and the prop is 3 meters high. You would use the P.T. to see how long the later has to be." (this was accompanied by a picture of a stick figure rolling between the base of the ladder and the prop)
• "Your decorating your room with a math theam you want to do a triangle out of pencils on pencil is 10 cm and an other is 15 cm you would youse the PT to find out how long the other one has to be."

Just awesome. Although, unfortunately, she missed out on the brilliant touch that once you find the 3rd side you could simply sharpen the pencil until it reaches desired length.

One time we were playing a game in class because the A/C was broken and there was no way those kids were doing anything productive. Even though I had told them they didn't have to play if they didn't want and could simply sit in the desks outside the circle of the game, one of my students felt it necessary to tell me that another student wasn't going to play because he had a problem with his - at this point he leaned close to whisper in my ear - testicles. Ironically, this was the day that I would later be kicked in the nuts.

From the department of Crazy Things Mr. Dave Says: I've gotten into the habit of calling quizzes "Quizzitos" - in Spanish, the "ito" suffix denotes a smaller/younger version of the thing, like perro = dog, perrito = puppy, also known as the diminutive. Anyway, my grade 7s are having a Quest this week - halfway between a quiz and a test. They asked me if it was a Quizzito, and I said "no, more of a Testito". Fortunately, even though Sex Ed. starts around grade 6 (in Canada, at least), the language barrier saved me.

After returning a quiz to one of my classes, a student repeatedly asked me if she had "won" or "lost" the quiz. She had lost, but I told her if she corrected her mistakes she could win it.